The Journey from Self-Reliance to Spiritual Fulfillment
Rediscovering Meaning Beyond Independence
Many years ago, I made a vow to God that if He took away the thing that was tormenting me, I would tell the whole world about what He did.
Unfortunately, when I tried to fulfill that vow, it backfired. All the people I thought were Christians in my life turned against me, one by one, like Julius Caesar.
Then, I was literally given the world. The very things I had fought against were freely given to me, and not to them. This only made them more enraged. However, there were certain things I couldn’t do, and I felt like I was on the fence, conflicted.
Eventually, I started to enjoy those indulgences so much that, to this day, I don’t think I could return to the good things of God. As everyone gets older, not having attention, whether it’s genuine or not, definitely takes a toll on your spiritual health.
I've been trying to do things on my own for so long. It feels good to experience what a normal human would feel, but eventually, it becomes tiring, and everything just starts to feel meaningless.
So here I am, 40 years old, and I no longer have that connection to God where I can speak and He’ll speak back to me.
Not that it’s lost—I know that if I were to seek God wholeheartedly, He would make Himself known to me. But the idea of backsliding has definitely worried me.
Theologically speaking, I didn’t really understand what backsliding actually was. Because I was under that church programming for so long, it was more of an emotional response to things I was dealing with at the time.
It’s not until you’re fully out of the Church’s programming, and you come back to it, that you truly see everything for what it is. You also see what backsliding really looks like, and you realize you can’t crucify Christ twice. So, the idea of backsliding is actually very scary, especially when you go from being a person who had direct communication with God daily. It can be a very frightening thing.
People used to say that a person who speaks with God is schizophrenic, and I accepted that idea for so long because I didn’t want to deal with the aggressiveness from people. As a human, I naturally want to conform to my social environment.
But now, seeing how everything is coming out into the open, becoming mainstream to the point where everything has flipped, and the people who were once judgmental towards me are now the ones being chased and looked down upon in society, I realize that if there has ever been a time for someone who has direct communication with God, it’s now.
My only problem, I guess, is that although I’m ready, I like women too much—I like all of them.
Although that’s always been a blockage for me, it was different back then because I was monogamous and had anger issues when others didn’t live the way I thought they should, in the eyes of God. This caused conflict. But now, I can’t really live that way either because my soul is so torn. I need healing too, but I don’t know how to really address these things. If I were to wholeheartedly seek God regarding these issues, I would probably revert back to being an angry person, and that cycle would just start over again.
I see so many Gnostics and so-called spiritualists claim that God is the problem, and they say that Christianity is pagan, among other things. But if you look at the way they live, you can see they lack life experience and wisdom. These people aren’t really in a position to judge God. This is why, in the age we live in, we need a prophet—someone who performs miracles, someone who has direct communication with God to set the record straight and defend God because it seems like God isn’t talking to anyone, lol.
Hopefully, my words alone will be enough to create some understanding and bridge all this disconnect. I still don’t want to take on that title or responsibility; I prefer to remain in the shadows, living on the edge of the world, because humans are angry, fragile, and messy.
